History: Events that have happened in the past. People you’ve known, what you’ve experienced. How you were parented. What continues to shape you, your personality and feelings. What guides you on your journey…

What’s your life story? Are there threads of themes or feelings? Are there particular phases you are uncomfortable with or haven’t resolved?

I ask because your story is still evolving. How you feel about your past experiences impacts your journey. Did some of your emotional needs go unmet? If so, how did you cope with the feelings stemming from this? How do you cope with those feelings now? How do you feel about this relative to parenting your child?

How you feel about your past story impacts the kind of parent you will become or are. Because so much of about your family’s future depends on you and your emotional health, it is wise to take the time to revisit your childhood, teen hood and younger adulthood.

Our pasts often pop up unannounced. As life shifts buried memories and associated emotions about them rise to the surface. What do you do? In living your future and parenting are you attempting to undo or fix?

I’ve asked a lot of questions here to encourage you to think about your story, which is still unfolding. Your past is part of you—to be acknowledged, embraced, appreciated, and learned from.

Food for Thought: Where you are with the feelings about your story have a direct impact on how you parent your child, who also has her story. Where are you?

~ Photo by  t  does wool….i do

To be found implies you have been lost. Many adoptees express that they feel or have felt lost, due to loss.

Adult adoptees’ insights and experiences should not be ignored or disregarded; however they often are. Adult adoptees’ stories, sometimes painful or joyful or mixed, are valid. They should be invited to the “table” and encouraged to share, instead forgotten or often silenced. Adoptive parents need to listen to their voices.

I agreed to participate in a blog tour created around Jennifer Lauck’s memoir, Found. The blog tour, which goes on through January 17^th, was created by the Open Adoption Examiner. Thirty bloggers have written posts, answering a series of proposed questions about adoption and Found.

Lauck, adopted twice before her teens, first shared her story in the national best seller Blackbird. Her sequel, Found, expands on Lauck’s fallout from having been adopted and suffering a traumatic childhood. Recounting her story, Lauck refers to the “primal wound.” It would be helpful if readers and adoptive parents were familiar with that premise (whether they subscribe to it or not).

Below I share my perspectives to several questions put forth from other participants after reading Found. I invite you to share your perspectives here, as well. Please (and thank you) be respectful when commenting; adoption is a complex and emotional topic.

Question: Jennifer Lauck wrote (page 34) “I felt dirty and bad,” when she was told she was adopted. Why? Was it because her brother mentioned the trash? Or there was more?

In my opinion it was both. There was so much secrecy and illness within and around Lauck and her family. From her account, she and her brother didn’t get along well, and he had his own issues. Many adoptees have shared that they feel they must have been “bad” to have been relinquished by their birth mother.

Question: My question is about Jennifer’s early adoption narrative as “God’s gift,” because I see my adopted son as a gift from God. Jennifer turns this metaphor on its ear when after hearing her brother’s declaration, “You’re adopted and gypsy trash.” She seems to suggest that that early narrative was misleading and, ultimately, the cause of her feelings of inadequacy and failure because she was unable to save her mother’s life.  How do you talk your children about their adoption story, particularly when they are very young and unable to grasp all of life’s complexities?

Truthfully, with empathy and respect. The narrative needs to begin immediately, growing into a conversation, in age-appropriate language.  A child should know all of their story, including the difficult truths, before adolescence (somewhere between ages six and eight). Parents need to encourage their children to talk and give them the words for the emotions they feel and express what they feel.

Question: What did you believe was the take-away message of this memoir?  Did that idea change for you when you read the afterward?

From reading Blackbird earlier, I expected that Found would likely go deeper exploring Lauck’s past, hopefully healing further.  I appreciated that she included the afterward and I happen to agree with her when she stated, “…we face a myriad of complex challenges and opportunities that must be faced, discussed, and resolved. Adoptive parents must be better informed. Birth mothers must be better informed. Adoptees must be better informed.”

Much can be learned from listening to and dialoging with older adoptees. I believe that parents can gain a deeper understanding and empathy, for what their child may be feeling or grow to feel as they come to understand what having been adopted means and how it has and will continue impact them and future generations.

Be part of the dialogue. Please take time to be a tourist; explore and share your perspectives about adoption. You may discover other kernels of truth. To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at the Open Adoption Examiner.

~ Photo by Woven in My Heart

In my daily work with parents I encourage them to read a variety of material about adoption. Blogs—by adoptive parents, birth parents, and those who have been adopted—are something I feel parents should read, with the intent of gleaming perspective, understanding and empathy for the complexities that adoption encompasses. I’m linking to a recent post which appears on MLJ Adoptions, Inc.’s blog—“Things”—written by Christine Romo, who was born in Seoul, South Korea and adopted at the age of two.

Christine’s post about attachment is a reminder to adoptive parents about the importance of things, many of which bear little to no importance to many. She shares, “I told him (my husband) that adoptees view “things” differently than those who haven’t had that experience.” and “I told my husband that I have a great attachment to “things” because of those earlier losses I experienced in life.”

Profound insight and useful information for parents. Consider what this means when you are cleaning your child’s room or when they misplace something. Most kids have a fit when their special things are misplaced, damaged or lost. But think about the child whose birth history and connections are missing, forever severed. I cannot tell you how many times I have sewn my girls’ loveys. And how I learned not to wash Snakey, because he would then smell wrong. One of my daughters’ keepsake bins hold cloth-diapers, something she sucked on for two years—what soothed her as a baby and toddler. She was adamant that they were included, although at the time she couldn’t express why (she can now).

Parents: I hope you will read Christine’s post and take it to heart, remembering the significance of attachment to things from the adopted child’s viewpoint.  What do you think?

Everyone is home. Just this week I took two days off to pick my oldest up from college and bring him home (along with a special young lady).

It is difficult to explain the joy in having us all together.  I feel, well…, almost giddy. Our family feels more settled, content and accepting of the changes that have occurred since our son left for college in August.

My son going away to college was a catalyst of sorts—separate bedrooms for a few (movement into new rooms and lots of fresh paint), added individual responsibility, reassignment of chores, and being reminded that even though we are apart we are always connected.  His leaving was definitely a trigger and therefore another opportunity to discuss loss in adoption and how that feels.

Healing—often a long complex process, bumpy and, sometimes, one step forward and two steps back. Healing—requiring empathy from others, patience and knowledge. What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween is a terrific self-help tool for adoptive parents and professionals who support them. It has also been a great tool for thoughtful discussion in parent support groups. Learn how and why you should create and sustain an open dialogue, support and understanding to help your child heal.  Gain a concrete knowledge of inherent issues in adoption and how can these manifest and compound the already tricky adolescent challenges. Wanting to confidently address some challenges in your child’s life? Kick off 2012 with your copy.

The first round of my popular Tweens, Teens & Beyond class begins January 11^th. Class is limited to six (6) participants and typically fills early. This is the last time the class will be offered at the price of $99. Parents have taken the class to fulfill Hague requirements, prepare for the added complexity that adoption brings to adolescence and beyond, to deepen and expand their knowledge of adoption and its impact on the child who has been adopted and their family, and to add to their personal parenting toolbox. You can register here.

I want to wish you and yours the happiest of the holiday season. I hope you have the time to be present and to enjoy the magic of the season and each other.

~ Photo by Syd Delicious

I’ve wanted to address this topic for some time and it seems particularly fitting as we move forward into the hectic holiday season. What topic? Time management.

We’re all busy. Some more than others. And people vary on how much they can have and manage on their “plate” at any given time.

In classes I encourage parents to prioritize their time, to simplify their lives. This is not simply to make life easier for them. I offer this advice to parents, as a tool to help them parent their child—who counts on and expects her parents(s) to be fully present when they say they will be or when she needs them to be.  For parents to be otherwise can call forth (trigger) the core issue of rejection (abandonment, not loved enough to be kept by birth mother/parents, unloved, unwanted, given away), so:

Don’t be late:

• Picking up your child from school
• Picking up your child from activities
• Attending your child’s activities

Don’t forget:

• To attend your child’s events: extracurricular activities, school events, and recognition opportunities
• The importance of parent-teacher conferences
• The importance of establishing and adhering to traditions, as in bedtime rituals, Saturday morning dad-made pancake breakfasts.

Take stock of what you are committed to—activities, events, and special short-term commitments. Better yet, make a list. I find things are easier to assess when we can visualize them. Ask yourself why are you involved in the activities and events on your list. Ask yourself what you can give up. After reducing the list, how can you prioritize what is left on it?

Things do happen. People and parents aren’t perfect. When you mess up, talk with your child and reinforce how much you love and value her. Apologize and ask to be forgiven.

Parents: How good are you at keeping to your schedule? Are you late? Chronically late? Have you ever forgotten to pick up your child? What have you done to rectify the situation? Have you made changes in your time management?

~ Photo by UrsaMater

The first major effort to promote adoption, by Massachusetts Governor Mike Dukakis in 1976, was for the purpose of educating people about the need for permanent families for children in the foster care system. The idea grew and spread throughout the nation. President Reagan created National Adoption Week through a presidential proclamation in 1984, and President Clinton expanded the week to a month in 1990.

National Adoption Awareness Month has historically sought to increase awareness of adoption through activities and examination of adoption and its practices. This November, the focus of National Adoption Awareness Month is for adoption professionals to  “recruit and retain parents for the 107,000 children and youth waiting for permanent families in the U.S. foster care system.” This year’s campaign further targets finding permanent families for pre-teens (ages 8-12).

This past September I presented “Tips from the Trenches: Finding Middle Ground in Open Adoptive Parenting” at the Open Adoption Symposium: Realities, Possibilities and Challenges in Richmond, VA. I had a lot of time to converse with other professionals, adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents outside of presenting and attending the sessions. I was profoundly touched by my experiences, the people. I met and the stories they shared with me—of openness, closedness, pain, joy, and hope.

One of the people I became reacquainted with was Heather Schade, an adoptive mom through domestic open adoption who blogs at Production, Not Reproduction. She is also the caretaker of Open Adoption Bloggers, a network of writers from all sides of adoption. Heather formed Open Adoption Bloggers because she believes “in the power of telling our stories and listening to the stories of others.”

This year Heather has again taken the time to put together her initiative for National Adoption Awareness Month: The Adoption Interview Project. Heather aptly states that during National Adoption Awareness Month, “… we’re bombarded with media pieces and events that try to compress adoption into shiny, tidy sound bites that don’t match the complex realities of adoption as I’ve witnessed it (and often exclude birth parent and adoptee perspectives altogether).” The purpose of The Adoption Interview Project is to shed some insight, differing view and perspective about the complexities of adoption.

124 bloggers from all aspects of the ”adoption constellation” have been randomly paired. They are in the process of reading each other’s blogs, emailing and learning from one another. The interviews will be posted on the participant blogs on November 17th. I encourage you to read through them; you’ll likely gain new perspective, insight and deeper appreciation and compassion for the journey each person travels.

Parents: I’m challenging you: I would love for you to share your perspectives on about The Adoption Interview Project. What did you learn? What interviews affected you most and why? What did you discover about yourself in the process of exploring the participant blogs?

~ Photo by Williewonker

By Presidential proclamation November is again Adoption Awareness Month. In regard to this, two-time adoptee Jennifer Lauck, author of the best sellers Blackbird, Still Waters and Found, has launched an initiative to open up a national conversation about adoption.

Jennifer believes, as I do, that there is a way to heal and transcend the experience of adoption into wisdom that can transform someone’s life.

How do these statements and questions affect you? What do you think?

“Adoptees are too often shoved into a corner, most often a place we put ourselves. We are the silent sufferers and we are the adaptors.”

“Can we speak up?”

“Can we share our stories?”

Jennifer promises, along with the guests she has lined up, to challenge participants. Be part of the myth-busting and dialoging. Bring your insights and wisdom to the conversation.

Parents (and adoptees and professionals): There is a series of teleseminars. You can register here. Your information will not be shared.

The first conversation has already taken place, however it has been recorded so that people can still listen in. I encourage you to get in on the conversation.

~ Photo by martin_bauman

What is your family doing for Halloween?  If you’re like us, you’re probably expecting troves of zombies, princesses, Lady Gagas, super heroes, and Harry Potters and casts of his characters. And similarly, you’ve purchased an obscene amount of unhealthy, although delicious, candy and other yummies to give out to costumed children who will bravely knock on your door or ring your doorbell, issuing loud choruses of “Trick-or-treat!” on Halloween night. (*Even if you don’t celebrate Halloween, please read on.)

What if you took the money you spent on candy and decorations or earmarked the same amount to help orphans and vulnerable children around the world? The Joint Council on International Children Services (JCICS) is challenging parents everywhere to make Change for Children.

Consider sharing the facts about (in age-appropriate language) of family-less, homeless, vulnerable children with your children.  I’ve done this with my kiddos and they’ve come up with generous, compassionate and creative ideas on how to help other kids.

In addition to involving kids, JCICS has laid out additional ideas for fundraising and orphan awareness this Halloween, helping to make every child count and have a safe, permanent, loving family.  Find out more about JCICS and their mission here.

~ Photo by linz_ellinas’

“Is _______’s other mommy sad?”

This was the question from my son, then age six, just days after we arrived home with our daughter—his sister. My son was overjoyed and oh-so-proud of his baby sister. Prior to her arrival home (and still to this day) he learned vast amounts of information and embraced her birth culture and history, claiming it in addition to his. We had shared why the adoption of his sister could happen; however we did not speak about loss…

I was in the homestretch of my day. The table was set. Dinner was cooked and ready to be served. My infant daughter’s meal was cut and torn into safe-non-choking-sized finger food and ready to be placed on the tray of her highchair. She sat on the floor of the kitchen busily banging away with plastic cups. All we were waiting for was the appearance of my husband (Daddy).

I realized that this question begged for more than a “yes” or “no.” This was a profound question, one that required an immediate and honest answer that would be framed from facts I knew about my daughter’s history as well as weighted from my perspective as a mother. In that moment I made the decision to move dinner back and talk with my son right there.

Sometimes in the journey of adoption, parents fall short in preparing siblings for the arrival of a new child. Parents are busy preparing, shifting into a nesting and adjustment mode. The joy and excitement of welcoming a child home can override other topics that should be addressed, especially with adoption. Parents should:

• Be open and available. Doing so encourages discussion. If children feel their parents are approachable, they are more likely to share thoughts and feelings.
• Include their child(ren) in preparations. Adoption is a family affair. Talk about what to expect as the family adjusts to the additional family member(s).
• Take time to make special time for their child(ren). As families grow children have less time with their parents. They need to know they matter.
• Take time to discuss adoption—what it means and how it can affect the child who has been adopted and their birth family.
• Reassure their child(ren). Fears may surface that they will be placed for adoption; help them understand the adoption plan that was made by the birth mother or birth parents or what the circumstances were that led to adoption. Fears may also surface about their new sibling being taken away; talk about permanence and the future.
• Respond with honesty and admit if they don’t know the answers.
• Respond with and model empathy and compassion. Adoption is an emotional and complex topic, especially as children become older and understand more. There are a lot of “why’s” and “what if’s.” Judgment is not the answer.
• Caution child(ren) that this information is their sibling’s story, not to be shared and stays “in–house.” Their story is intensely personal.
• Arm their child(ren) with answers. Similar to their parents, children will be approached and questioned about their adopted sibling(s), especially if they don’t “match.” Parents should role-play answers with their child(ren).

Parents: What other ideas have you used to help your children understand adoption, welcome a new sibling home, and help with those peer and “playground” questions?

~ Photo by The New Children’s Museum/welcometoplanetz

A quick update from me…

The session, “Tips from the Trenches: Finding Middle Ground in Open Adoptive Parenting” that my friend and colleague Lori Holden (of WriteMindOpenHeart and the Open Adoption Examiner) and I presented at the Open Adoption Symposium: Realities, Possibilities and Challenges in Richmond, VA was well-received.  We challenged our attendees to participate in a creative and colorful activity.  They did great. (Lori loves color as much as I do. Go, girl!)

I was thrilled to meet and strike up friendships with a number of people I had only heard of or followed on my Google Reader.  The symposium was about openness in adoption and we all (professionals, birth mothers, adoptive parents, and adoptees) did an admirable job of being hosptitious (great concept and so true, Mr. Jim Gritter!) and supportive and compassionate. It was wonderful to witness open adoptions in action.

Uhhhh, we had a lot of fun, too!

The conference “season” continues. I’m again presenting—at the Crossroads of America Adoption Conference this weekend in Indianapolis. My topics will be Racism and Your Child and Adoption vs. “Normal.” I will also be sitting on a panel—Friends & Family.

If you are in the area, check out the conference. It begins on Friday and ends with a picnic on Sunday. Some great sessions abound (Hague credit and CEUs are available), including one on Emotion Coaching (which all humans can benefit from) and Techniques to Strengthen Attachment. Reserve your spot here. Childcare is available, and the Harrison Center for the Arts is an amazing venue. Hope to see you!

I can’t stress enough how important it for parents to share all of their child’s birth history and related facts with them prior to adolescence, in age-appropriate language. Yes, the hard truths are difficult to share because adoptive parents have so much emotion invested in the adoption journey and love their children so deeply. But to not share the difficult truths leave children unprepared and open to injury by others and questioning why their parents, who love them and have their best interests at heart, didn’t tell them The Truth(s).

This week more surfaced about the child trafficking in the Hunan Province of China. Our daughters were born in China, so this story has indeed been, as the article infers, “chilling.”  Adopting parents were assured by officials that the country’s adoption policies and practices were ethical. Now, over a decade later, it turns out maybe not so much. (Please read this response from Dr. Jane Aronson as well.)

Are we surprised? In retrospect, no. Especially with what China’s history has been and how closed China was and still is, after all China remains a communist country and, culturally, problem-solving situations are often deferred to “saving face.” Are we saddened? Very much so.

We mulled over the “What ifs?,” as in what if it was discovered that the adoption policies or situations of how (mostly) girls came to be abandoned and place in a welfare institute or foster home were not as originally presented? How would we share this information with our daughter(s) and when? We felt telling the truth, no matter how difficult and painful, framed within the context of our girls birth country history and culture was best.

Adoptive parents should have a broad and deep understanding about the history, policies, and culture that their child’s birthroots are planted in—be it international, domestic, or foster-to-adopt; open or closed; transracial or same-race. Being knowledgeable provides a framework in which parents can tell their child’s story—the good, the bad and the ugly. Begin early and add in the detail as your child is equipped to handle it.

Parents: How do you feel about sharing the full spectrum of facts of your child’s story with them? How do you feel about sharing the difficult truths? Are their facts or stories you hold back because you are afraid of hurting your child or have difficulty coming to terms with yourself?

~ Photo by CaptureCreation

What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween

Michelle McNally, a mom to two wonderful children through open adoption, recently shared a review of my e-guide, What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween, on The Open Adoption Examiner. Michelle parents young kiddos, pre-tween. She is representative of the parents that my new e-guide is written for.

“As an adoptive parent I read Judy Miller’s new e-guide, What To Expect from Your Adopted Tween, with great interest. So far, in this six-year journey as being the adoptive parent to two siblings in an open adoption, I’ve felt like I knew what I was doing. But as Ms. Miller outlines in her book, it’s the tween years when things may start to get sticky.

In hindsight, answering my daughter’s questions during the preschool years was easy. Even if they made me think for a minute, the questions she asked were on a superficial level. At four, she didn’t understand sex, economics, or the stigma that can be associated with relinquishment. As she grows into adolescence, she will begin to see things as she ultimately will as an adult, and laying the groundwork for a mature understanding is crucial.

Ms. Miller starts her book with in introduction to adolescence, and it’s a great reminder of all the growth and changes that take place during that time. I don’t think adults can ever hear the phrase, “ ….the frontal lobe [of the brain] is not fully functioning until the mid-twenties,” enough. The brain growth and development in adolescence is huge, and to expect even an older teen to react to a situation “like an adult” is a somewhat unrealistic expectation.

Ms. Miller then outlines the layers of adoption, as well as some of the inherent issues. These are the same layers and issues I’ve been reading about since my husband and I first considered adopting, but she has framed them with the tween in mind. She gives examples of questions a tween may ask, as well as how their behavior may change as they are working through a part of their adoption story. It’s worth it to note that while they may have known they were adopted since they could talk, they are probably only now realizing all that it entails.

From there, triggers are discussed, and it’s a good review of why what may seem to you like a reason to celebrate is not seen in the same light as your child. Ms. Miller brings up birthdays and “gotcha days” as examples. For families in open adoption, I would imagine communication or visits with the birth family could easily become a trigger. Watching for strong reactions during the anticipation or actual events is one way to determine what your child’s triggers may be.

After laying out all the emotions and issues that could come out during the tween and adolescent years, Ms. Miller then goes through, piece by piece, how to approach these topics. She covers the role of the parent, parental fears, and how to communicate with teens. Her approach is positive, affirming, and empowering. It is also an approach that reminds parents it’s not about them; it’s about their child. Her discussion of an adoptive parent’s role gently helps
 adoptive parents to realize that while they may be validating their family to friends, they may not discussing the hard truths of their family formation with their children.

I like Ms. Miller’s positive, pro-active approach to helping children process adoption-related issues during tweens and adolescence. She advises that your child needs all of the information you have regarding her relinquishment and adoption before she enters adolescence. She also advises to prepare for the next developmental stage before it arrives, which is why I was thrilled to read this book on the eve of my daughter’s sixth birthday.

Using this e-book as a guide, I am feeling empowered to help my children as they process their own adoption stories and build a relationship with members of their birth family. This is a book I have printed out and started to highlight, and I know as my children grow, I will refer to it again and again. Interested in reading What To Expect from Your Adopted Tween?”

Michelle’s personal blog, GotchaBaby, chronicles day-to-day family life, she is also a contributor to Grown in My Heart, The Savvy Source, and Persephone Magazine (as Sally J Freedman). She lives in the Midwest with her husband and children.