And What of the Fathers?


My children have rarely asked about their birth fathers. Their questions and comments focus on theirSHOES3 birth mothers. When attempting to steer them in the direction of birth fathers, I’ve had little luck.

I can’t walk in my kids’ shoes. But I try as hard as I can to understand their perspectives, a way to relate, why they feel the primal connection to their birth mothers and not their birth fathers. What I’ve come up with is this: I was conceived inside, nurtured by and carried within my mother for close to ten months. Although I have no recollection of any of this, something within me does. My mother is permanently etched within me. Cellular memory? My subconscious? I don’t know.

My mother and I had the most intimate of relationships, a primal intimacy. I was deep inside her core. I grew inside her, encased within her womb, protected and nurtured by her body. I knew her voice, her smell, her movement, and the feel of her long before she expelled me into the world. I literally depended on my mother for my very existence. My children experienced all of this as well. I remember this each and every day.

My children’s connection with their birth fathers was not remotely close to the experience of being within and dependant upon their birth mothers, no matter how involved they may have been. Father’s Day is not celebrated by my children’s birth countries, however I will think of my children’s birth fathers, as I often do. And as we celebrate Father’s Day, I will continue to be thankful for my kids’ birth fathers and for the wonderful man in my life who is an amazing father to all of our children.

Parents: What have your experiences been like when talking about your child’s birth father? Does your child express interest in his or her birth father?

~ Photo by Fuzz

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Aurette Bowes June 22, 2010 at 3:12 am

I am not a parent, but an adoptee. I love what you wrote about birth mothers and I can relate to every word of it, but I would love to know more about my birth father. Perhaps it’s because I have so little in common with my birth mother; I don’t even look like her. I have even posed some questions to birth fathers on my blog (, hoping that their answers will provide some resolution for me, but I’ve had little response. Perhaps you know of someone who would like to give their input?


Christine Mitchell June 19, 2010 at 2:31 pm

This is a very interesting topic, indeed. My daughter has always asked a lot of questions about her birth family, but is definitely much more interested in her birth mom than dad. She is still grieving the loss – not so much of the specific person that her birth mom is, as the memories are not good – but the fact that she was not able to stay with the parents she was born to, like most kids do.

I do share with her everything I know about both birth parents (to the point that is age-appropriate). I always kind of assumed she would take greater interest in her birth father when she is older… we shall see.


Chris June 17, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Funny you should write this article. With Father’s Day around the corner and the advertisements and marketing that have become standard in our society, my daughter simply indicated that she wanted to disregard the whole day and asked if “she could sleep the whole day.” There is clearly a void there for her though I’m not sure if that is a bigger void as she has not adoptive father. Will be interesting to watch the process continue.


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