I was invited to participate in a review and discussion of the memoir Finding Zoe: A Deaf Woman’s Story of Identity, Love, and Adoption with several other open adoption writers/bloggers by my friend and colleague Lori Holden. Each participant was asked to submit questions for the others to chose from and answer, as well as a submit a few for author Brandi Rarus. The questions I selected, along my answers, follow below.

Brandi Rarus became deaf at the age of six, after contracting spinal meningitis. Her story of how she grew to embrace her identity as a Deaf woman is painstakingly detailed in this memoir. She also provides a nice history of the Deaf culture, including an overview of how the Deaf have been perceived and treated, as well as the activism and advocacy to overcome these prejudices.

I was disturbed by Brandi’s disregard for the daughter she and her husband Tim adopted—Zoe. Brandi shares truckloads of details about her daughter’s story in Finding Zoe, among them: how Zoe was conceived, the history of Zoe’s birth parents, the blatant lack of concern for birth father BJ’s wishes, the questionable practices of agency representative Marlys, and the relinquishment of Zoe (then Celine) by her first placement.

Question: The heroes of this story (in my opinion) are the foster parents. They helped provide stability in Zoe’s early life. As you probably know, November was National Adoption Awareness Month. The original intent of this month was to bring awareness to the thousands of children in foster care who are in need of permanent homes. The dialogue has now expanded to include the voices of adult adoptees. Flash forward – what do you think Zoe will say of her early years?

I didn’t consider Finding Zoe as a hero versus villain story, and I am hard-pressed to add that label to anyone. However, I believe that people act as they are compelled to do, based on life experiences and belief systems.

Some actions may be viewed as less than, others as more than. How a person perceives an act/action is often filtered by their personal belief system. My belief system (shaped from knowledge as an adoption educator, parent coach, and adoptive parent) says that the adopted child’s story is sacred. In other words it is the child’s to share as they wish, when they have the tools to process their story and are able to respond to the questions and comments that that are addressed to them. The parents are the story keepers for their child. Parents should share their child’s story with their child in age-appropriate language, including all of the difficult truths, long before the onset of puberty when being adopted becomes far more complex.

I am thrilled that adult adoptees are speaking up and being heard in greater numbers. Their voices and experiences have long been discounted as not worthy of being listened to, which doesn’t make any sense; they are the children of the past. We have much to learn from them; our children are the adults of the future.

I am concerned about Zoe, about her story being available for anyone to read. I can’t speak for the Zoe of the future and what she will say or how she will process and feel about the intimate details of her story being shared, but I can state my kids would not appreciate their stories being shared.

Question: It seemed to me that the birth father was coerced into signing the adoption paperwork. Did anyone else interpret it this way?

I did. I was stunned by how BJ’s wishes were dismissed. I felt he was strong-armed by Marlys, and this made me ache. How will future Zoe react to this information?

Would you like to hear others’ opinions about Finding Zoe? Continue to the next leg of this book tour by visiting the main list or click on the links for the other stops:

Lori’s interviewed Brand Rarus. We had some tough questions for her, which she handled with grace.

For Discussion: What are your thoughts about the sharing the details of the adopted child’s story? Have you read or do you have any interest in reading Finding Zoe?

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Yin-Yang Balance“Celebrating adoption may mean celebrating family separation, secrets, sealed birth records, lies.” ~ Jodi Haywood

This month Laura Barcella bravely shares the difficult feelings she has experienced and continues to experience as an adopted person on the NY Times online blog, Motherlode. I encourage you to read Laura’s words and to read the linked articles and posts as part of your ongoing parent preparation education; there is a lot of food for thought. Consider Laura’s words and viewpoint whether you agree with her or not, because she is an adopted adult, an adult version of your adopted child or the child you hope to adopt.

Currently there are 415 comments about Laura’s article as I post this. When you can, carve out an hour or more of your busy day to read through them. Try to remove yourself from the role you have in adoption; hard to do I know, but try to detach. Take a deep breath, remind yourself to remain detached, and open your mind. There are a myriad of stories, experiences, and perspectives represented throughout the comments.

Adoption is complicated, folks. Adoption is no one situation or one story fits all.

Adopted adults are changing how we—adopted people, birth parents, adoptive parents, adoption professionals, support people and support organizations, adoption agencies, etc.—view adoption, as well as our roles connected to it. This ground swell of movement is good, as painful as might be. The voices of adopted adults need to be heard. The voices of adult adoptees help to create awareness throughout the constellation, and hopefully, compassion and needed change. This awareness can influence our language and our perceptions, effectively helping us advocate for all who are impacted by adoption.

For Discussion: Can you make more time to learn about how adopted people can feel about adoption? Follow these hashtags on Twitter: #flipthescript #NAAM #adoptee. You’ll discover a multitude of posts and valid opinions. Please share your thoughts here as well.

~ Photo Credit: NliveN, LLC

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Reunited Twin Sisters Grow Up Worlds Apart

October 19, 2014

“Even if I run and run I can’t stop thinking of her. My biggest wish is one day she’ll come here and see where I live. … I think about her every night because I miss her so much. I care about her a lot.” Alexandra, adopted daughter of Wenche and Sigmund Hauglum, Fresvik, Norway, […]

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An Exercise for Shifting Perspective on Adoption Loss

September 18, 2014

This post is shares one of the exercises that I and many other adoption educators, social workers, and parent coaches have used to facilitate easing parents into the “pay attention” mindset when preparing to adopt or parenting their adopted child. Adoption is seeded in loss. In other words adoption cannot happen unless there is loss. […]

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Know Yourself, Honestly

September 6, 2014

Welcome! This post is part of Apart at the Seams blog tour that began yesterday. I was invited to take part by my friend Lori Holden, author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption. Frankly, while reading Apart at the Seams late this summer I scratched my head through much of it. The main character […]

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Going on Now! The Motherhood and Mindfulness Summit

July 1, 2014

I was asked to participate in a summit on motherhood and mindfulness by Australian mom and intuitive coach Carla Wood. To speak about motherhood via intuition within the realm of parenting adopted children. The focus of the Motherhood and Mindfulness Summit is to help moms discover their inner genius and ignite the extraordinary in their […]

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